Asian Fetish

I have been accused, falsely, of having and yellow fever, of being a teriyaki jockey, of having the Saigon headache. Let me preface this by saying that I have nothing against the Asians. I love the Asians: great food, Nintendo, sushi, quality cars, electronics, and rice (although really, really, REALLY, painfully bad drivers). I mean rice, right? How can a billion Chinese people be wrong? But I do not have an Asian fetish; rather, I have a female fetish, which is normal. First of all, though, I have pasted in an excerpt about the topic from the book, Stuff White People Like. I thank my friend, Tina, for finding this and passing it on.

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#11 Asian Girls

Please note that this is one area where white women are exempt, but they should be exempt from other things such as voting and participation in Division 1 sports.

95% of white males have at one point in their lives, experienced yellow fever. Many factors have contributed to this phenomenon such as guilt from head taxes, internment camps, dropping the Nuclear bomb, and the Viet Nam War. This exchange works both ways as asian girls have a tendency to go for white guys. (White girls never go for asian guys. Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya’s dad are the only recorded instances in modern history). Asian girls often do this to get back at their strict traditional fathers. There is also the option of dating black guys, but they know deep down that this would give their non-english speaking grandmother(s) a heart attack.

White men love asian women so much that they will go to extremes such as stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC or UCLA (please note that both schools’ colors of “blue” and “yellow” are intentional and also the “A” in “UCLA” stands for “Asian” while the “B” in “UBC” stands for “Billion” - try and figure out what the rest of the letters stand for). Another factor that draws white guys to asian women is that white women are jealous of them.

Take for instance the fact that asian women well into their 30s and 40s retain teen / college girl looks without the help of botox, yoga or a trendy diet (future posts). Asian women also avoid key white women characteristics such as having a mid life crisis, divorce, and hobbies that don’t involve taking care of the children (also future posts). Should white guy / asian girl marry, they produce hybrids that are aesthetically pleasing, but are very annoying. This practice is also a means by which white people can catch up to the asian peoples in the population race, as most of the hybrids often act white rather than asian.

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An interesting tidbit about Asian women that I learned from reading the book, Middlesex, is that Asian women are sometimes the "last stop" for gay men before they come out of the closet. The thought is that maybe they physically resemble young men more than other more voluptuous types of women. Also, gay men have more exotic tastes, so to speak, than other men, and being with an Asian woman sort of feeds into that. In order to prove my militant heterosexuality, I am only dating white chicks and black women from now on ... and the occasional Puerto Rican... Grrr!! Football! Red meat!

As I've said all along to many of you (say it with me now) - "Lance doesn't have an Asian fetish; Asian girls have a Lance fetish." This does not mean that Lance does not think Asian women are very attractive (I realize that was a double negative). He does. But it does not mean I have a fetish. On the other hand, I can't explain why Asian girls like the Lance, but it is what it is. Some mysteries have no explanation and we have to accept them on faith. My recent vaccinations included anthrax, smallpox, and also yellow fever, so I should have some resistance, although being here for an entire year in an area where Asian women are endemic does put me at higher risk.

Lance.