2009.07.16

As most of you viewing this may already know, I will be in Kunsan, South Korea (also spelled Gunsan), for the next year. It's on the left side of the map, on the coast, towards the bottom, in the darker orange/reddish area. My sister-in-law, Jayna, and brother, Clint, suggested that I keep a blog while I'm away. Apparently, they find some of what I say somewhat amusing/interesting and/or both/none of the above. In fact, Jayna went ahead and set this up for me and threatened that if I didn't use it, she would do horrible, unspeakable things to me. And by horrible, unspeakable things, I mean she threatened to find me a very nice woman with whom to settle down and marry. I should warn you from the start that this blog may contain content not-suitable for children under PG13, and I reserve the right to ramble if I damn well please.

How have I found myself in this predicament, you ask? Again, most of you may already know, but I'll try to briefly explain it here once again. For better or worse, I had the Air Force pay for my medical school (I went to Tufts University in Boston, Massachusetts) and I just finished my residency in Family Medicine at Travis Air Force Base, in Northern California. For every year of medical school they paid for, I owe them one year as a board-certified attending (just took my boards the other day, so we'll see how the "certified" part goes). This means that I still have four years of time to pay back.

The military in general has had a difficult time convincing physicians to stay in after they fulfill their commitment. There are myriad reasons for this, but a few basic ones are a) people do not like deploying 6 months out of every 2 years to places like Iraq and Afghanistan b) there is more money to be made in private practice and c) people who have achieved a relatively high level of success in academics to do well enough to get into medical school, shown enough maturity (I know some of you may question this - ha ha ha) to get through medical school and residency, and in general are fairly responsible, these people do not appreciate being treated the way they are in the military. How is that? Like an 18 year old who may or may not have just graduated from high school and, like most 18 year olds, is kind of stupid. I know that this is how 18 year olds are because I was that kid at one time.

For instance, just two weeks ago I traveled to Washington DC for a week of vacation. I'd arrived at Dulles on a Monday morning and was driving in and towards Virginia when my phone rang. The call was from one of my attendings. I'd taken an overnight flight. The time was 0630 Eastern. He told me that the hospital leadership had just announced a recall and that everyone, including residents, was to report immediately to the hospital auditorium. Wear your blue uniforms, your reflector belts, and bring your ID card. I told him that I was on vacation and couldn't come in. He responded that he was on vacation as well, but that because he was still in the area, he was still expected to be there. I explained to him that I was in DC, and he called me a "lucky bastard" and encouraged me to enjoy my vacation, which I did. I later found out that they were called in at 0330 on a Monday morning to come in for a random urine drug test, which is in addition to the random urine tests we are occasionally called in to perform, which is an interesting experience in itself. Just stuff like that.

Sometimes called "Operation Golden-Flow," the urine drug test is always a painful experience. I can honestly say that I've never enjoyed it; I've never even come out from it thinking, "Eh, that wasn't so bad." And it's not like they give you Versed so that you forget the whole thing like they do for a colonoscopy. First of all, there has to be an observer in the restroom with you, and this person must personally witness the flow of urine from your body and into the cup. This is a wee bit problematic for me. I mean, I'm not ashamed of my manhood, but I've always had a hangup with peeing when other people are around. The bathrooms without any barriers between urinals? Forget it. I'll go to a stall and pretend like I also needed to get some toilet paper to blow my nose. Really. I don't know what it is, but I know I'm not alone out there. So for me to be able to produce a sample for the test, I have to drink a ton of water - gallons of it. But then after the test, I'm peeing every 30 minutes for the rest of the day and I imagine I'm borderline hyponatremic, risking muscle cramps and possible cardiac complications, not to mention severe cerebral edema with seizures and retardation or some other such nonsense.

So apparently I'm not the only person who sometimes finds the process difficult to execute. One guy I know told me that on one or two occasions he had to go and be one of the witnesses. He then related to me how some people can't pee for the test unless they poop, so he actually had to, on more than one occasion, stand there and watch people take a dump. My friend, Claire, had to do the 0330 urine drug test. She texted me later that night that she was one of those people - a dumper. (Don't be embarrassed, Claire. You know all about my little run-ins with the runnies, and I'm not embarrassed).

To get back to my point, the military has difficulty keeping physicians, the point being that when physicians are eligible to separate, the people in charge of assignments will bend over backwards to keep them. Part of this means giving them assignment locations they desire. Some of the more desirable locations are in Europe: Aviano, Italy, two bases in Germany, and a base in England. As a newly graduated physician, you end up being low-man on the totem pole as far as assignment locations go, and believe me, there are some really crappy places that Family physicians can end up. As a single guy, and someone who dabbles in world travel, I felt that I could not risk ending up in Podunk, Georgia or BFE, West Texas. So, I volunteered to go to Korea for a year, the expectation being that I should be high up on the totem pole next year when assignments are made and I should get an assignment for the next 2-3 years in Europe.

There are two bases located in South Korea - Osan and Kunsan. I am going to Kunsan, the smaller, more remote base in southwestern SK on the Yellow Sea. From what I've heard from people there, people I've run into randomly, from other things I've read here and there, and just because I like going to other places, it should be an interesting and unique assignment. From what I understand, there are two physicians in the primary clinic, one of which is Yours Truly. The other is actually one of my classmates who also just graduated, Jess Lotridge, about whom I'm sure you'll be hearing more, hopefully nothing related to my untimely demise by a disgruntled co-worker (fingers crossed). There are 3 flight doctors as well who primarily deal with the pilots. From what I've heard, one of them may be board certified in family medicine, though he may be leaving soon and that will change; the others have most likely done a transitional year of residency and then were sent out to be flight docs. We have four of these transitionals with us each year at Travis, whom we called "the trannies." Considering that most pilots are younger and healthy, this is a bit less scary than it would initially seem.

From what I've heard, it takes 99 people on the ground for every one pilot up in the sky, so Jess and I will probably be doing most of the day-in day-out primary care for most of the base. Based on pure speculation, and my cynical imagination, I have a feeling that we will see a disproportionate amount of STDs, thus the nickname I've chosen for this new assignment, and the title of the blog - GonoKorea. There will probably also be some alcohol-related injuries and orthopedic/sports injuries. I'm sure there will be plenty of the usual primary care woes as well: diarrhea, allergies, upper respiratory infections, faking it. The usual. I don't think we'll be seeing many, if any, dependents or retirees, which probably means no, or minimal, old people, kids, or pregnant women (most of you know my love/hate relationship with obstetrics, or as I like to call it, OBeeyotch). Of course, I could be completely wrong, which we'll find out together here over the course of the next 12 months or so.

The underlying reasons for calling it GonoKorea, besides the obvious play on words? First, this is an unaccompanied assignment, so it's disproportionately single people, but there are also plenty of people who take advantage of being away from home. It's the whole what happens in Korea stays in Korea thing. Secondly, there are a disproportionately greater number of men than women here. So, if you're a female who's on the cusp of being cute, you might want to volunteer here if you're looking to hook up a few times. Or an easy baker's dozen of times if you wanted. There's somewhat of a dearth of availabe women, and let's face it, men are dogs. But it's not all our fault. Most of you have heard my spiel about the difficulties of being a man. It goes something like this:

Men make 3 million sperm a day. That's about 9 billion sperm a month. We're not exactly designed to be all that selective in where we dump our genes. We're designed to spray bullets and triage later. That's just how we roll. That's also why we're too tired to wash dishes or take out the trash. I mean, I've been working on this post for an hour or two - 3 million divided by 24 times 2 carry the 1 equals some 250,000 sperms. I think I need a nap.

Third, it's considered a remote assignment and I hear that lots of people think it's boring and there's not much to do. This means that, as a default, they drink a lot. There are bars everywhere - on base and off in the surrounding area. In fact, 3/4 of the welcome letter was about the new base alcohol policy. Finally, prostitution is easily available and relatively cheap. Also, some men have Asian fetishes (DON'T GET ME STARTED! I'll address it in a later post). You can go into lots of bars and pay what they call a "bar fine" which gets you access to a "juicy girl" with whom you can chat and make further arrangements. How do I know this, you ask? It was in the newcomer's orientation to the base.

So where did the term "juicy girl" come from? Well, I'd like to think that it came about when a couple of Latino Airmen were walking down the street, saw a juicy girl, and one said to the other, een a theek ahksent,"Eh, Ese! Ju see that girl?" But, sadly it's not. Here's the definition the Urban Dictionary gives:

Noun: a female companion whom you purchase astronomically high priced non-alcoholic beverages, i.e. "juice." Will sit and converse with you in a bar. For another fee or "bar fine," you are entitled to a "happy ending" or "full service." These establishments are usually found in Southeast Asia.

"I heard Joe met this Juicy girl last week and got a bonus after his happy ending."

Which reminds me of one of my favorites t-shirts of all time. A buddy and I saw this Asian girl walking around Boston and her shirt said, "I will not love you long time." Classic. And classy.

That's probably enough for now. In fact, that's probably WAAAY more than enough. Below are a couple of links that I found that have some general information about the base and the airframes they fly there - F-16s from what I understand. It may or may not be interesting.

BTW, this is the South Korean flag. Every time I see it, I get thirsty for a Pepsi.

Lance.

http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/facility/kunsan.htm

http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/agency/usaf/8fw.htm