A few thoughts on Pap smears ...

As I've gradually gotten to know some other people here, it seems that one of the first questions out of the females' mouths is whether the other new doctor is female. When I answer yes, or they met Jess, there are near-universal sighs of relief. "Oh good! I'm going to have her do my Pap." And my reaction to myself is, REALLY? You just met me and that's one of the first things you say to me? Not, "Where you from?" or "How do you like Korea?" or some other such small talk? But, "I'm going to have the girl doctor do my girly-down-there exam?" (Which, by the way, was actually what a patient gave as a visit reason to one of the secretaries who booked appointments for me during residency - "girly-down-there-problem").

So let me just clarify a few things. (Yes, I'm going there ... ) Being a mechanic at the cervix service station is really not all that awesome at all. EVER. I know it's never pleasant for you, dear female readers, but don't be so selfish. At best, the pelvic exam is strictly business neutral. It's not like doing a little baby exam where sometimes they're kind of cute and all. At worst, they can be traumatic experiences, sometimes causing PTSD. Like the time I had to perform one on an extremely large woman who was hurried into her appointment one scorching summer day because she was running late. Believe me when I tell you that there is nothing lovely, virtuous, praiseworthy, or of good report about that situation. And I'm not sure that giving her 15 minutes to cool down and air out would've helped, either; rather, she probably would have just had 15 more minutes to ferment. It was like opening a hot oven and having a blast of jungle-air hit you in the face, a pungent concoction of old sweat and Dial soap overwhelming your senses. Yes, more than one of the senses. In addition to the olfactory trauma, I was blinded and experienced some temporary hearing loss. Sometimes it makes you gag a little. Sometime you even throw up a little in your mouth. And sometimes ...

But I can totally understand if a woman would prefer having another woman do her Pap. I get it; when it comes down to it, I'd rather have a male doctor fondling my testicles (all three of them - nothing wrong with having an extra letter in the male bag) ever so gently. (Uh, I mean Grrr! Hunting! Fighting! Drinking beer!) Although I must say that I think that men are sometimes preferable to women in obstetrical care. I've noticed that some women who do obstetrics, especially the older nurses, can be really cruel. I think their experience giving birth to their own children sometimes makes them less sympathetic. I, on the other hand, have never, nor probably ever will, push anything the size of an eight pound bowling ball out of any of my orifices (and if that were to happen, I'd immediately let you know all about it). So if a woman asks for pain medicine - and it's safe to give it - who am I to say no?

But back to my earlier thought, I mean, REALLY? I just got here and that's the first thing you're basically tell me? "STAY AWAY FROM MY GENITALIA!" The two things I resent most about this are that, first, within 5 minutes of meeting me, these women assume that I want to be anywhere near their genitalia ever, like I'm some sort of creepy stalker or something (which I'm not - at least that's what the many voices in my head are telling me); and second, that within 5 minutes of meeting me, these women have already decided they don't want a guy like me anywhere near their genitalia ever. Am I really that repugnant upon first meeting me? I'm not sure whether to be indignant or to lock myself in my mancave and write lame teenage angst poetry about my loneliness and how my father can't understand why I don't love sports like he does.

So, to continue to beat a dead horse, apparently the female doc who was here last year received the call sign SAVOR - Sees All Vagina On ROK (Republic of Korea). Now that Jess is here, she'll be taking over that duty distinction, but I don't think they should just call her SAVOR 2. I propose calling her PEACH - Physician that Examines All Cooches Here. We'll see if that one sticks. If you can think of others, please let me know and I will pass them on so that she can earn her call sign.

BTW, Jess is an Air Force Academy grad and has something like 27 years of payback, so she'll be in for a while. One of my goals to help Jess out this year is to have her either engaged to OR impregnated by a pilot before she leaves here, whichever comes first. I know, I know. But save your praise - that's just the kind of helpful person I am. She told me a few weeks ago that a drunk pilot groped her at the Delta Club, so it looks like we're off to a promising start. While uninvited groping is always despicable, he's not a total monster; he later told me he only groped in self-defense.

Lance.